I want to write something uplifting and encouraging.

I want to write something that inspires feelings of empowerment, pushing readers to seize the day, overcome obstacles, and WIN WIN WIN!

But, the truth is that today I am a sad and confused ball of emotion. And, while I’m usually an advocate for “sitting with one’s feelings,” I don’t want to sit with these feelings.  In fact, everything in me wants to get undressed, put on my PJs, get into bed and just go to sleep.

But, it’s 4:59 PM, dinner still has to be made and the kids still need Mom at 100%.

I’m not entirely sure what triggered it. All I know is that what started off as a pretty good day quickly soured and I couldn’t put my finger on exactly why. 

Standing in the middle of my living room with my hands deep inside the pockets of my yoga pants, I looked up at the ceiling and said out loud, “What do I do with this pain? I don’t want to sit with these feelings. I don’t want to process this. I want these feelings to go away.”

A little bit of prayer. A little bit of venting. A whole lot of refusing to cry.

This was my internal struggle. This was where I had to battle feelings of guilt and shame, rejection and abandonment, impostor syndrome and inadequacy. This was when I had to choose to fight or fold.

To be honest, I was tempted to fold. But, I knew I couldn’t.

So, even though I did not want to, I sat with my feelings. 

Although painful, I allowed myself to feel. I acknowledged the emotions. I closed my eyes and focused on breathing. I felt my chest rise and fall. I heard the sounds of my inhales and exhales.

I wrapped my arms around myself and let the tears I’d been holding hostage flow and roll down my cheeks. I remained silent except for the sound of my breathing.

“I am okay,” I thought repeatedly until I began to believe it.

“When are you happiest?” Someone once asked me. “When I’m writing,” I replied.

So, in the midst of processing my feelings, I sat down to write this post. Pausing a few times to focus on the soft sounds of my breathing, I could feel the anxiety leaving with every cycle of breath and every stroke of the keyboard.

I was sad when I started writing this post. 

Now, I am filled with gratitude. 

There was a time when I would have just crawled into bed and pulled the covers over my head until the next day. But, I have grown.

This is what I mean when I encourage others to choose resilience.

Sometimes resilience looks like sitting with your sadness, identifying what triggered it, “feeling all the feels” and then choosing to release them and move forward with the understanding that you may have to revisit the process again another day.

And that’s okay.

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